The Impact Trauma Had On My Health Journey
My life began with barely having my basic needs met. I was often hungry and the healthiest thing I was fed were chewable Flintstone vitamins. The depth of neglect and abuse I experienced before the age of five laid the foundation for feelings of unworthiness that haunted me for a lot of my life. At the time I didn’t realize how much early childhood trauma impacted my health choices.
My story is sprinkled with sexual abuse, addiction and other experiences that caused me deep shame. I felt like I was broken and that something was wrong with me for a long time. All these feelings impacted the way I was able to take care of myself and my health. But I was also blessed with an incredible amount of physical resiliency despite all of this.
The concept of health moved in and out of my consciousness. Trauma tied my energy up in just trying to survive. Which lead to me abusing my body with drugs and alcohol for a long time. But a part of me desperately wanted to be healthy, to feel at home within my body. I dreamed of discovering a magic trick that could wipe away all my insecurities. This made me an easy target for a lot of get healthy quick schemes.
In the beginning I was stuck in endless cycles where I would set goals to workout, eat healthier, and practice more balanced ways of managing my stress. These plans always started off strong and then fizzled out. Nothing seemed to stick for long. Over time self-care or my lack of it became another way for me to beat myself up. I would battle feelings of guilt and failure each time I set a goal and didn’t follow through. I listened to messages from marketers telling me how I still wasn’t doing or buying enough. These beginning days were tough.
I constantly battled against self-doubt, holding onto hope that there was some external fix to my dis-ease. Physically my body was strong but emotionally I was falling apart. It took a long time for me to discover that health doesn’t come through a pill, or diet, or the latest health sensation. I’ve taken enough supplements to feed a small army, and I’ve successfully disciplined restrictive diets and workout routines. The benefits have always been temporary.
For me, deeper health came through healing the relationship I have with myself. I had to learn to forgive myself to let go of the stories and meaning I made about my painful past, that were hurting me. As I did this, big shifts started happening. Taking care of myself stopped feeling like a burden or something that took an enormous amount of energy. It started to become natural and easy. I began making better decisions because I liked myself and I liked feeling good.
In the process I had to clear so many limiting beliefs that were not serving me. I thought I needed other people to tell me how to live my life. I thought I needed to change my outsides to feel better. I thought there was something wrong with me. If I believed deep down that I didn’t deserve to feel good, I constantly sabotaged myself. So slowly I began learning to love myself. I started to believe in my own value. Over time, what I discovered was a quiet voice inside underneath all the noise. When I listened, this voice told me what was right for me.
Instead of depending on others to tell me what I should do, I have learned to trust myself. I have also learned how to ask for help when I need it. Sometimes I need guides and mentors who can offer valuable insight. They have helped me see my blind spots. But I don’t give my power to them any longer. My wellbeing has blossomed from repairing the relationship I have with myself. It’s a journey that constantly ebbs and flows. Now, I’m much kinder to myself. If I fall or make a mistake, I use it as an opportunity to learn, not as more evidence of some inherent failure.
True health is a dance, it’s a love affair that must start with us. From there it spreads out to our relationship with nature and then our relationship with one another. Trauma leaves scars within all of us, but it doesn’t need to have the final word. It can open and soften the edges of our hearts. Over time as love starts to grow our wounds begin healing.
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